The Universal Notebook: I, Colbert

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Though it has been a well-kept secret until now, I am the Stephen Colbert of Maine journalism. Colbert, of course, is the popular liberal comic who plays the part of a conservative political pundit for ironic effect on television. I, on the other hand, am a real life conservative who plays the part of a screaming liberal in print in order to subvert the liberal socialist agenda. In real life, I wear seersucker suits, wingtips and bow ties.

As we race downhill to November headlong into the most critical election of my lifetime, I can no longer stand the pressure of undercover reportage. It’s time to come clean about what I really believe.

To begin with, I am totally opposed to Obamacare. Not only do I believe that Obama is a radical foreigner, like all good Americans. I view his individual health insurance mandate as the end of the Land of the Free and the Home of Brave. In this country, it’s every man for himself, Mister. If you don’t have health insurance and you can’t afford to pay for health care you should just suffer and die. That, in fact, is the secret motto of the Tea Party – Suffer and Die.

On November 6, I’m going to vote for Mitt Romney because he’s so handsome and because has pledged to do whatever the people who elect him want him to do. Like all true conservatives, I like a handsome man with his finger in the wind. Flip-flopping is what America is all about. Mitt used to be in favor of a ban on the sale of assault weapons for example, but now that he understands that we conservatives are in favor of Second Amendment solutions, he’s afraid to support any kind of gun control.

I will also be voting for superpatriot Secretary of State Charlie Summers for U.S. Senate, because Charlie is a veteran. He believes that every American has an obligation to serve in the military, even though less than 10 percent actually do. I’ll also be voting in the state senate race for Old Port Navy Seal pizza parlor owner Chris Tyll. That Independent Dick Woodbury is a known compromiser. We need people in Augusta who’ll do what they’re told, no questions asked. Aye-aye, sir.

Now that Angus King may look exactly like the late Republican state senator Roger V. Snow, but I knew Roger Snow, Angus, and you’re no Roger Snow. Anyway, I could never vote for a wind power developer. I am totally opposed to alternative energy. I’m a gas and oil guy. Solar and wind power are just liberal plots to weaken America while enriching themselves with feel-good energy policies. Stick that in your composting toilet and smoke it.

I’m also very much in favor of the Keystone Pipeline. Fracking is a wonderful thing. It asserts man’s dominion over nature just like it says we should do in the Bible. We’ll pump whatever it takes into the ground to force that good old fossil fuel to the surface. Liberals talk about peak oil, but they haven’t seen anything yet. You help us elect Mitt Romney and we’ll be drilling onshore, offshore, and on the moon if we have to. Petroleum is what made this country great. Frack ‘em!

When it comes to immigration reform, I favor a Just Say No, high fences make good neighbors approach. Unless we want to turn into a mongrel nation of Muslim Hispanic Creoles, we have to station an armed guard every 100 feet along the U.S. border. And I’m not just talking Mexico. Those socialist peaceniks up in Canadia will infiltrate Maine and pollute our gene pool if we don’t blockade the St. John River.

Over the past two years, I have spent an inordinate amount of time and ink attacking Gov. Paul LePage, but now that my cover is blown, let me tell you how pleased I am that Boss Paul decided to come back from Canada. He is just what Maine needs – a tell-it-like-it-is let-the-chips-fall-where-they-may two-fisted hard-drinking Franco-American SOB. He made a fortune for Marden’s selling smoke-damaged tube socks and the skidders boys and the strippers at the Bob Inn just love the guy. Sure he puts his foot in his mouth every few days, but that’s because he thinks on his feet. Sometimes he even thinks WITH his feet.

Paul LePage is the real Maine! And this, Gullible Reader, is the real me 😉

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Freelance journalist Edgar Allen Beem lives in Yarmouth. The Universal Notebook is his personal, weekly look at the world around him.