The Universal Notebook: Greetings, comrades!

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Happy New Year! Bonne Annee! Shana tova! S novym godom!

Putintrump won, so I guess he really showed ’em.

Come hell or high water, come 1-20-17

The U.S. will have a leader like it’s never seen.

From his tower of gold in midtown Manhattan

The Donald will reign and his wallet will fatten

As he wheels, deals and tweets with no sign of fatigue

Rebranding America and democracy big league.

The White House will become Trump Tower D.C.

And there’ll be condos where the West Wing used to be,

Camp David a time-share, the veep’s house a casino

Like nothing ever seen so far east of Reno.

And when presiding gets tiresome, stressful & noisy

45 can hide out in Bedminster, New Joisey.

Turns out the most anti-establishment populist of all

Won’t drain the swamp or build a Great Wall.

Instead he’ll play the billionaire game

By appointing oligarchs and more-of-the-same.

Amway for Education, Exxon for State,

Hardee’s for Labor. Just can’t wait

To hear Puzder explain how a wage increase

Will kill jobs and bring the economy to its knees.

Andy makes more in day, so we hear,

Than his fast food employees make in a year!

Consumers and workers say they’re flat on their backs,

So Trump gives the treasury to Goldman Sachs?

The only way Obama really failed

Was not making sure some bankers were jailed

Before he bailed us out of the Bush recession,

At least that’s my humble if biased impression.

What we see in Trump’s cabinet is, strictly speaking, perverse,

People who hope their departments do worse.

An EPA head who is anti-EPA,

An energy czar who’d just do away

With his department. His stated goal?

Burn more oil and mine more coal.

Climate change is a Chinese hoax,

Clean water, clean air are just dirty jokes.

And then there’s Jeff Sessions, our new A-G,

An ironic choice in the Land of the Free,

But maybe not so much in the Land of the Whites.

For a man who has long opposed civil rights.

Seasons Greetings, James Comey, Steve Bannon, Vlad Putin,

You swung the election, sure as shootin’.

If your man doesn’t make it as a Soviet puppet,

He might have a future as a wild-haired Muppet.

Best wishes, Paul LePage and Ms. Mary Mayhew.

Two more years and your reign of error is through.

Back in August we thought you might actually resign,

But in the new order obscene rants are just fine.

We just wished you’d stop being so darn mean

To good people like Mark Eves and Drew Gattine.

In Falmouth and Scarborough, a fella named Moon

Put up enough Trump signs to make drivers swoon.

So folks removed a few of the offending signs,

A public service, if you ask me, let’s help pay their fines.

But the news wasn’t all bad. Despite the election,

The country is headed in a liberal direction.

Here in Maine, for example, if you happen to wanna,

You can now roll a joint and smoke marijuana.

And we wonder if the right wing will still be gloating

When we switch over to ranked choice voting.

If NO had been a choice, when all’s said done,

None-of-the-Above might actually have won.

So what can we say about 2016,

The most divisive year we’ve ever seen?

We had to argue over whether Black Lives Matter,

Transgender bathrooms and national anthem chatter,

Dakota Access and Standing Rock,

Universal background checks and Trump’s dirty talk,

I must admit I’m blue and I’m bummin’

And confess I did not see this disaster comin’.

Oh, well, make the best of it, I suppose.

(Is this rant starting sound like a rap by Spose?)

Here let me propose a fitting toast

To some of the folks I’ll miss the most.

Blessings of peace to those who passed on,

No longer with us but not really gone!

Artists Fred Lynch and Father Paul Plante,

Art lover Dean Velentgas and, of course, I can’t

Forget Phyllis Austin, who made nature sing,

Photographers Willman and Smith, dear friend Ellen Wing.

All the best in the New Year, whether living or dead,

Republican, Democrat, black, brown, blue or red!

This old world just keeps spinning despite what we do,

What we think, what we are and who’s who.

Round and round we go in this show of shows

And where the wheel stops nobody knows.

Welcome aboard, American Journal, Lakes Region Weekly,

Sun Media publications are positioned uniquely

To cover the lives of the good folks of Maine.

I may even write for the Journal again.

That’s where my career started in high school, you know.

And though I may still have a few years to go,

Funny to think that as my days here diminish

Where I started out writing may be where I finish.

Speaking of which, I’ve gone on long enough.

Just one final toast, enough of my guff.

To your health! Bonne sante! Best wishes! Prosit!

On we go into Trumpland! Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet!

Freelance journalist Edgar Allen Beem lives in Brunswick. The Universal Notebook is his personal, weekly look at the world around him.

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  • Jimmy_John67

    That was painful to read. The rhyme and meter is terrible. Looks like Beem is about as talented a poet as he is a novelist.

  • Chew H Bird

    My issue is the “target” of the commentary is someone is a white male with piles of money, opinions unpopular to many, who has engaged in aggressive business practices. What if the “target” of a commentary of this nature was not white, or not male, or was economically handicapped, or if the rant was about someone not able to speak English? I believe that if all of us are to be treated as equal (in terms of humanity, opportunity, (not promise), this type of commentary is simply derogatory and serves no useful purpose except to demean and belittle people who are in some ways different than ourselves.

    • Queenie42

      Oh for Heaven’s sake, Chewy! Trump will be given the nuclear codes!
      Demean Him? You betcha!
      No “What ifs” about it!

      • Real cool guy

        Margaret Chase Smith once called JFK a “pansy” while encouraging him to annihilate Russia with nuclear weapons.

        Can you think of any other girls provoking a nuclear super power with their free speech!? Hint: they were either filling or trying to fill their husbands seat.

  • funfundvierzig

    Edgar Allen Poor, the Poet of the Extreme Left did at least supply some mild, if not malicious humour at year’s end.

    We wish him well, and another year of amusing columns chock full of illogical logorrhea and raging political screams.

    Happy New Year, Comrade Beem.

    …funfun..

  • peterplus

    Mr. Beem. If you’re so smart then why didn’t you tell me that the same gassbag billionaires who sent all our good paying jobs overseas were going to be appointed by trump to run the country? You should have warned me! I feel conned. Betrayed. Hoodwinked. I feel like an idiot. If you were a real journalist you would have made me understand this before I voted for trump. And may I say this, even though you failed me, Mr. Beem: these people like jimmy john who write in and criticize you because they are jealous clowns who never created anything original or added truth and beauty to this forsaken world.

  • poppypapa

    Finally, Eddie has the gumption to admit who he really is by calling his readers “comrades.” The aging central redistributionist just couldn’t keep it from us any longer.

    As to this unreadable entry in his accelerating rush to meltdown, I suggest it be archived along with selected other writings, including his recent disqus post on “immigration is a natural right.”

    When his time comes to move to the cukoo’s nest, Nurse Ratched may be able to use the collection to tailor his meds.

    • Real cool guy

      “Immigration is a natural right for brown people”.

      Beem is a classic guilty white trust fund liberal. He offers separate (but equal?) guidelines for persons of “color”. He also thinks “native americans” are native and we (whites) stole the real estate from his noble ancestors.

      Evidenced in part by Beems ignorant Bowdoin faculty declaration that blacks and hispanics have different social standards then whites.

  • Real cool guy

    Did Trump win the election!? Oh, no the Russians gave it to him!? Is it common practice for the U.S to interview in elections…!?

    I feel confident our towns paper ballots were not manipulated by any Russians. Little old ladies maybe but not Russian operatives.

    Are the voting machines wifi enabled in Cumberland county? Stupidity idea George Soros!

    How come we can have white enemies and jokes but not brown!?

    Moving to Canada never Mexico!? Bad Russians but good Islamic fighters!?

    Thank you Russia! Allies at last!?