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Ho, ho, yech, it’s time to come up with some snarky Christmas gifts to give to Maine’s most annoying politicians.
I admit this whole idea is clichéd to the extreme, but according to the Big Book of Insipid Rules for Journalists, it’s mandatory. I apologize with all the sincerity of a Hollywood mogul accused of groping starlets or an Oxford County sheriff forced from office over claims he solicited sex from his employees.
To be honest, if it weren’t for that authoritarian edict to dispense satirical presents, I wouldn’t bestow anything on these boobs. I’d save my imaginary offerings for more deserving recipients. Like serial killers, white supremacists and New York Yankees fans.
But I have no choice, so, let’s get on with it.
Gov. Paul LePage. Would a year’s supply of Xanax help? Probably not. Neither drugs nor appeals to rationality appear powerful enough to convince the bombastic LePage to spend his last months in office chillin’. I’ll just leave him the usual lump of coal (clean coal?), and rejoice that after next year, I can scratch him off my list (unless he heeds the pleas of the Krampus in the White House and runs for U.S. Senate).
U.S. Rep. Bruce Poliquin. Since his election in 2014, Poliquin, who allegedly represents the 2nd Congressional District, has never really lived there, preferring his ritzy estate in Georgetown in the 1st District. In order to facilitate better contact with his constituents, I’ll find him a suitable habitat. A tenement apartment in Lewiston? A shack with a leaky septic system in rural Piscataquis County? A rusting mobile home down a dirt road in New Vineyard? Take your pick, Brucie.
Maine Republican Party. When Democrat Lucas St. Clair announced he was running for the 2nd District seat, the GOP rushed out a press release pointing out St. Clair was registered to vote in the 1st District. Which would have been a telling point if incumbent Poliquin hadn’t done the same thing in 2014. Shortly after his announcement, St. Clair bought a house in Hampden. Meanwhile, Poliquin was selling his only property in his district. A nice dish of crow in hypocrite sauce seems appropriate.
U.S. Rep. Chellie Pingree. If Pingree gets into the governor’s race, she’s the likely Democratic nominee. So, what more does she need? Votes in the conservative 2nd District, that’s what. At last count, eight people north of Waterville have admitted they’re willing to vote for such an avowed liberal. I promise to find her at least another eight.
Maine People’s Alliance. The state’s premiere progressive advocacy group loves to run referendum campaigns, but it takes time and effort to collect all those signatures to get issues on the ballot. So, here are 61,000 approved names of registered voters on blank petitions. Put anything you want out to a vote, with just one prohibition. It can’t raise taxes. Why do I have the feeling the MPA will never use my gift?
U.S. Sen. Susan Collins. Before Collins voted for the Republican tax reform bill, she said she was concerned it would increase the federal deficit by $1 trillion. After she voted for it, she said she wasn’t worried because some economists told her it wouldn’t happen. Then, those economists said that wasn’t what they said. Collins gets a book of rubber checks from the 1st National Bank of Why You Shouldn’t Listen to Economists.
Shawn Moody. He ran for governor seven years ago as an independent on a platform composed almost entirely of being a nice guy and having a friend who won on “Survivor.” Now he’s running again, this time as a Republican, on a platform of being a nice guy and having friends who worked for LePage. This coupon allows him to trade some excessive niceness for a tiny bit of substance.
Jared Golden (and the rest of the Maine Democratic Party). Golden is running for that 2nd District seat touting the standard donkey-party agenda, which consists of something vague about jobs, something nonspecific about the economy, something cloudy about the environment and some insubstantial plan to stop the Trump agenda. Golden needs a clue, and that’s what I got him. He should feel free to share with his fellow Dems.
U.S. Sen. Angus King. Isn’t that independent costume you wear due back at the rental shop? Here’s an enrollment card for the Democratic Party. You can use it to cover your private parts.
Portland Mayor Ethan Strimling. You can only go so far on good looks, and it looks like you’ve arrived at your terminal destination. Here’s a nice mirror.
Send Christmas lists to Santa and comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.