Politics & Other Mistakes: The Shawn Moody guide to governing

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Some people (by which I mean me) have always thought Republican gubernatorial candidate and car-repair magnate Shawn Moody was a clueless boob when it came to figuring out how state government operates.

But to my surprise, a recently declassified document from a nonexistent source shows that Moody has developed a stunningly original approach to dealing with the finer points of political interactions. Here are a few representative excerpts:

According to Moody, the three branches of government are the executive, the legislative and the transmission.

Moody has said the state is over-spending on education. To correct that, he’d eliminate everything above the eighth grade. Except for classes in auto repair. And welding. And like that. The rest is just arts, global warming and sex education that we’d be better off without.

To deal with the opioid crisis, the GOP nominee would lower taxes. Low taxes make everyone happy, so they won’t want to use drugs. This is proven science. He learned that in eighth grade.

To deal with that aforementioned global warming, Moody would lower taxes. With more money in their pockets, Maine people would be able to afford all that new oceanfront property.

Candidate Moody is in favor of immigration, so long as those people don’t come anywhere near here. If they do, they should be required to take welding classes.

And he thinks maybe we should build a wall. And get New Hampshire to pay for it. Not only will that strengthen our southern border, it will also make it tougher for Mainers to sneak into the Granite State to buy cheap booze. Another benefit: It’ll make it harder for young people to leave Maine for better-paying jobs elsewhere. Three problems solved with one solution.

To fix the dysfunctional state Department of Health and Human Services, Moody would change its name to the Department of Nonexistent Services. He knows it’s all about managing expectations.

Moody favors sensible restrictions on the sale of recreational marijuana. Such as forbidding it altogether and thrashing anyone who tries it. You shouldn’t need pot if you’ve got lower taxes.

As for Medicaid expansion, Moody is in favor of it so long as no taxpayer money is involved. Also, no doctors or medicine.

He’s against that referendum on the November ballot to raise taxes to pay for home health care for everyone who needs it. Heat up some chicken soup and sneeze into your sleeve. That’s real home health care.

On school safety, Moody has abandoned his earlier suggestion that all teachers be armed with fire extinguishers that they’d use to spray active shooters, so that their guns wouldn’t overheat and ignite flammable materials in classrooms. Instead, he’d arm all teachers with Super Soaker squirt guns. Much cheaper.

Moody would outlaw all abortions, except to save the life of the mother or when prenatal testing determines the fetus is likely to develop into a Democrat.

When it comes to transgender rights, Moody favors manual over automatic. Oh wait, that’s transmission rights. He has no idea what that other thing is.

Unless it’s all that commotion about guys using the girls’ bathroom. If so, he’s on record as believing they should put the seat up before they go and put it down afterwards. Also, no peeing in the sink.

Speaking of which, Moody believes the best way to save Maine’s forest-products industry is to get everyone to use more paper. That starts in the bathroom.

To reduce the high cost of housing, particularly in southern Maine, Moody has a plan to forbid people from living in southern Maine. There’s plenty of space in Aroostook County.

Should Central Maine Power Co. be allowed to build transmission lines across the western Maine wilderness to deliver Canadian hydropower to Massachusetts? Moody is in favor of anything with the word “transmission” in it.

Unless it involves sexually transmitted diseases.

When it comes to alternative energy, Moody likes wind turbines (they have transmissions), but not solar panels. We already have too many panels and commissions. They never produce anything of value.

Should the state be spending more to improve the condition of our roads and bridges? Before we do that, Moody thinks we ought to consider how our crumbling infrastructure creates hundreds of jobs in vehicle repair. And there’s always the chance Domino’s Pizza will fill our potholes at no charge.

That’s putting the free in free enterprise.

Shift into high gear and email comments to aldiamon@herniahill.net.

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