Here’s something I wrote for this space during the week of July 16:
“Allow me to end the suspense. Susan Collins is going to vote to confirm President Donald Trump’s latest U.S. Supreme Court nominee.
“Unless Brett Kavanaugh turns out to be concealing a side career as a serial killer; an agent of the North Korean government; or a molester of women, children and farm animals (all distinct possibilities, given Trump’s notorious inability to adequately vet candidates for important public posts), Maine’s Republican senior senator is a lock to support him.”
I can’t claim to be entirely correct. There’s no credible evidence that Kavanaugh got drunk and tried to have sex with sheep and goats. But sex abusers know that if you slip those poor creatures a little ketamine, they don’t remember a thing.
I mention this not to brag about my prescient ability (the effectiveness of which is debunked by my weekly football-pool picks), but to demonstrate how predictable Collins has become. The more moderate she talks, the more conservative she votes.
“The politically charged atmosphere surrounding this nomination has reached a fever pitch, even before these allegations were known, and it has been challenging to separate fact from fiction,’’ Collins said during her rambling speech on the Senate floor attempting to explain why she shouldn’t be reclassified as a right-wing lackey. “We live in a time of such great disunity, as the bitter fight over this nomination both in the Senate and among the public clearly demonstrates. It is not merely a case of differing groups having different opinions. It is a case of people bearing extreme ill will toward those who disagree with them.’’
Is she saying that just because you think someone is a reprehensible buffoon (hello, Paul LePage), your opposition to their political positions doesn’t count? Does that mean all those nasty emails I receive weekly (“You are a drooling imbecile”) can be disregarded?
Cancel the security patrols.
Speaking of which, Collins now goes nowhere without them. During a recent, brief visit to Maine, she brought along a contingent of thugs with earpieces and sunglasses to make sure she had no interactions with actual constituents. This in spite of her claim that response to her Kavanaugh vote had been “overwhelmingly positive.”
Maybe she’s on ketamine, too.
Much has been made of how Collins’ pro-confirmation vote will affect her chances of re-election in 2020. The answer: not at all.
As noted in that earlier column (the one where I predicted the future with chilling accuracy), it’s more than likely Collins will decline to seek another term, citing the incivility she’s been subjected to (a “gutter-level political campaign”). If the voters can’t appreciate what a kind and thoughtful person she is, she’s going to take her hefty pension and go home – the one with the guard dogs and moat.
In the unlikely event Collins does run, she’ll face several potential conservative challengers in the GOP primary, because she sorta, kinda supported saving Obamacare and took way too long to come out in favor of Kavanaugh. Gubernatorial losers like Garrett Mason and Mary Mayhew, ambitious gnomes like U.S. Rep. Bruce Poliquin and mutant carpetbaggers like Max Linn are all eager to indulge their personal ambitions by running for the U.S. Senate. Unless a single strong Republican emerges from that fetid field, Collins wins the primary.
Then there are the Democrats, who haven’t won a Maine Senate race since Kavanaugh was molesting women at college keggers. Emily Cain, who has the distinction of being the only person ever to lose an election to Poliquin (two, actually) has expressed interest. So has Sara Gideon, the almost unknown speaker of the Maine House. Then there’s Susan Rice, who was Obama’s national security adviser and regularly vacations in Maine. Cecile Richards, former president of Planned Parenthood, is another summer complaint. Unsuccessful gubernatorial candidates Betsy Sweet and Adam Cote, housing developer Rosa Scarcelli, one Pingree or another, and state Rep. Seth Berry are all in the mix. And let’s not forget Zak Ringelstein, who’s currently running against Sen. Angus King, but promises that once he loses, he’ll run against Collins. Actually, let’s do forget him. Last and least is Cathleen London, a doctor with more violations of medical rules than supporters.
Whoever prevails, there’s a $4 million pot of cash raised through crowdfunding available to finance his or her campaign. Unless Collins doesn’t run. In which case, the money will be used to provide counseling to farm animals who may have been molested by Brett Kavanaugh.
I’ve already been called a drooling imbecile. Come up with an original insult and email me at email@example.com.