NEWS SATIRE: Portland activists to protest 60-foot lobster roll with giant baby bottle of milk

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PORTLAND — By now, nearly everyone has heard about the 60-foot long lobster roll being made for this year’s Old Port Festival – a project that could land the city in the Guinness Book of World Records.

But the project has already landed the record-seekers in hot water with local activists, who are planning an equally large project to protest the effort. 

Citizens Against Lobster Cruelty, Injury and Undignified Malice announced on Thursday that it will unveil the world’s largest baby bottle of milk at the 36th annual Old Port Festival planned for this Sunday.

CALCIUM Spokeswoman Meadow Ayr said she other members of the fledgling crustacean rights group will not sit idly by as resident throughout the state celebrate and romanticize the brutal killing of lobsters, some of the sea’s oldest and most valuable living creatures.

“Even in this economy, thousands of lobsters are savagely killed every day,” Ayr said at a rally in Monument Square. “These poor innocent creatures are placed into boiling water while they are still alive. They thrash and flail to escape, but to no avail. If you listen closely, you can hear them screaming!”

The West End Neighborhood Association plans on filling a 60-foot hot dog roll with Miracle Whip and and 75 pounds of lobster meat. Once the world record is achieved, the roll will be sliced and sold to festival goers.

“At least 75 lobsters will die for this one lobster roll alone!” Ayr screamed at the rally.

No one from WENA could be reached immediately for comment.

A city official, who was granted anonymity because she was not authorized to speak publicly of the sensitive matter, said she welcomed the group’s challenge.

“Bring it on,” the official said. “I’d rather have a fleet of lobstermen on my side than some peace-loving hippies, who are probably lactose intolerant anyways. I mean really. Don’t they (hippies) all drink soy milk?”

After the rally, this reporter asked Ayr why the group chose to build and fill the world’s largest baby bottle with milk as a sign of protest.

Ayr said the 60-foot tall baby bottle symbolizes the defenselessness of the thousands of lobsters that are brutally murdered everyday. CALCIUM decided to fill the bottle with nearly 20,000 gallons of milk, not only because the liquid coincidentally dovetails with the group’s name, but because milk is one of the most nutrient-rich foods. 

“Why would anyone want to pay $20 to feast on a grubby ocean-bottom dweller when they could get most of their nutrients from a single glass of milk that was gently and compassionately squeezed from the udder-tits of a happy cow,” Ayr asked. 

Sources close to both sides said they hope the two world-record displays could peacefully coexist within the confines of the festival, but acknowledged that tensions were rising to a fevered pitch. 

“If a food fight is what they want, then a food fight is what they’ll get,” said a source close to the fisherman. 

“Let’s just hope the milk doesn’t curdle,” he added, somewhat ruefully. “There ain’t nothing worse than spoiled milk.”

Sidebar Elements

photo.jpgCALCIUM, a fledgling crustacean rights advocacy group, announces their plans to protest a 60-foot lobster roll at this year Old Port Fest by creating a 60-foot tall baby bottle full of milk. The group announced their plans standing in front of a 20-foot inflatable milk bottle, which is only 1/3 the size of the planned display. (Billings photo)