I was going to have a healthy breakfast after my predawn workout. But when my alarm went off, I slapped my phone, rolled over, and woke up to the sound of my son screaming my name. By then, I was already more than two hours behind schedule.
There was no time for boiling old-fashioned oats or any other variation of brown nugget. The berries I’d bought the week before all sported a disconcerting white-green fuzz, and the only nut butter in the house was of the soy variety. No woman with options makes anyone eat soy butter, except for her child, who attends a nut-free childcare center.
I thought about juicing something. I only own a blender, though, and I still don’t understand if one is required to use a juicer to juice. Is a blender only allowed for smoothies?
Also, there were no vegetables in the house.
I’d quickly disproved every upbeat vegan with a blog. Breakfast was not the easiest meal to whip together with the right combination of carbohydrates, protein and healthy fats.
Breakfast is the easiest meal to interpret as a sign that the rest of the day is bound to involve preservatives.
I bought a soy latte, nibbled at a peanut honey pretzel Luna bar, and didn’t drink a single drop of water until I found a cherry limeade Sparkling Ice in my desk drawer. I decided it was close enough. Plus, the label reminded me that the unnaturally flavored sparkles carried with them vitamins AND antioxidants.
Maybe today would be healthy after all.
Around 10:30, I began wondering if I should have a light snack to keep my metabolism roaring, and to help keep my lunch within an appropriate caloric window. Sadly, I had not purchased, prepared, or brought with me snacks in any form. I chewed on a handful of the Tic-Tacs I keep in my coat pocket for bribing my son when he cries at drop-off.
Around noon, I was unexpectedly blessed with an opening in my schedule. I scrambled out of the office to go to the gym. I ran at the upper limits of my capacity to fit enough miles into my abbreviated workout time. I should probably start sharing tips for an effective training regimen on Pinterest.
During my cool-down walk from the treadmill to the locker room, I realized that I had just enough time to return to the office for my next call. I grabbed a Dixie cup of water, did the call, and then finally turned my attention to lunch. I was really looking forward to my spinach salad topped with a rainbow of vegetables and thin-sliced almonds for a little crunch. Unfortunately, I hadn’t made that salad anywhere except in my imagination, and there was not a natural foods store within five feet of my office from which to procure one.
So I had a chocolate-dipped coconut Luna bar, pilfered jelly beans from the nice woman in accounts payable, and got another Dixie cup of water.
By the time I picked the kids up from day care, I was dangerously light-headed and speaking out of only one side of my mouth. Not because I decided I was from Texas, but because I didn’t have the energy to operate the other side of my mouth. When my daughter didn’t finish her granola bar, I finished the job for her.
For dinner, I was going to have steamed salmon with quinoa (pronounced “keen-wah” or “not as good as rice”), with a side of kale. That plan for dinner, however, existed only on my grocery shopping list. I don’t know how to steam salmon, and I think kale is absolutely disgusting.
I didn’t think my kids’ macaroni and cheese qualified as clean eating, even if it was the Annie’s brand, so I ate a bowl of cereal. It is important to note that I used almond milk because I own a cookbook written by a woman who lives in California. By the time the kids were in bed, I figured I deserved dessert, so I had a few of them.
I’ll eat healthy tomorrow. I’m sure of it.